By Guest Blogger Peter K. Studner

Each time you make it past the resume review stage and interview with a potential employer, the meeting seems to go really well. But then—crickets. As you wearily send out application after application, you just can’t figure out what’s going wrong. Here’s an idea: One of your references might inadvertently be derailing your job search.

It’s important that you don’t treat references as an afterthought, because these people can make or break your job search.

When a potential employer checks your references, it’s because they’re serious about hiring you. And especially in today’s competitive market, a single lukewarm reference can kill your candidacy. The good news is, by choosing your references thoughtfully and talking with them before giving out their contact information, you can guide the process in your favor.

Here are five things to do when organizing your references:

1. Choose your references carefully. Your best references will support claims you’ve made about your achievements, skills, and experience, so ideally, they’ll be people who have worked closely with you in the past. Consider former managers and supervisors, of course, but if you’ve been in a managerial position yourself, you might also want to include a few people you’ve supervised.

In addition, put some thought into how your references might present you to potential employers. Effective references are good communicators who can discuss you and your work in an objective manner without exaggerating or offering long-winded tributes that might only provoke more questions in the interviewer’s mind.

2. Think about how each reference can best support you. While most references will give you a good to excellent report, some might inadvertently include a hint that your previous work was less than standard or that the circumstances of your leaving were not good.

Put some thought into what you’d like each reference to say about you. Think about the specific skills and accomplishments you’d like them to emphasize. Keep in mind that this information might vary from person to person, and even from potential job to potential job.

3. Set up a time to meet. Now it’s time to discuss your job search, career goals, and resume with your references. Whenever possible, your reference meetings should be face-to-face, but if distance is prohibitive, consider a video conference or phone call. However you meet, make sure your references have a copy of your résumé.

4. Discuss the hard questions. When potential employers call your references, it’s unlikely that the employer will simply say, “So, tell me about Taylor.” Ergo, your references will probably have to go beyond the script you’ve given them about your skills and accomplishments. That’s why it’s a good idea to talk about how the reference would approach common interview questions. This conversation might be uncomfortable at times, but it’s best to have an honest discussion about how each reference might approach difficult questions.

Here are 13 common questions potential employers might ask your references:
1. “How did you know the candidate?”
2. “What were the circumstances of her leaving the company?”
3. “Was she on any performance improvement plan? How did she do?” This may be asked if there are hints of any problems with your application.
4. “What are her strong points?”
5. “In what areas does she need improvement?”
6. “Would you hire her again?”
7. “What were her greatest achievements at the company?”
8. “Who else supervised her?” Be prepared; another supervisor may also be approached, even though he is not on your list.
9. “Did the candidate live up to your expectations?”
10. “How were her leadership skills?” This question will be asked if you are applying for a managerial position.
11. “Was she appreciated by her colleagues?”
12. “Was she reliable?”
13. “Anything else you can add about the candidate?”

5. Keep your references in the loop. So that they aren’t blindsided, keep your references informed about positions to which you’ve applied, interviews you’ve had, and potential employers who have requested contact information for references.

See if you can have your reference update you about when they’re approached and how the discussion went. If appropriate, nurture the relationship with non-job-search communication, maybe over lunch or coffee. And when you get hired, thank your references for their support.

Just like your resume and interview question responses, the more time and energy you put into cultivating your references, the more valuable they’ll be.

Peter K. Studner is the author of Super Job Search IV: The Complete Manual for Job Seekers & Career Changers. His outplacement firm has helped over 27,000 people transition from one job to the next. To learn more, please visit www.SuperJobSearch.com.

By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell

It occurred to me recently, that back when my husband and I were college-shopping with our now-26 year old son, it was a shared responsibility. It was also something neither of our parents did for or with us. When it was time to start thinking about college, we pretty much ran our own shows. And I don’t know about you, but I didn’t even visit the college I planned on going to. I just applied, got accepted and went.

Our daughter just turned 18 on New Year’s Day, and she is now on deck. I am really proud of her for doing all her own research into schools, and making the tour arrangements. She’d ask me questions and I’d answer all that I could, but when I couldn’t, she’d go to her guidance counselor. Now how can I put this delicately? My daughter is not a motivated student. But I’m blown away by a commitment and maturity that I’ve never seen in her before. (She still, thank heaven, asks me to tuck her in from time-to-time, so I still have my baby girl. For now, at least.) But mostly, I believe that college shopping is her job to do because ultimately, she’s the one who’ll be going to that school and getting that education. My girl picked four colleges/universities to visit, turning this past summer into a fun road-trip-filled one for her, my husband and me. We bonded with her in an entirely different way and on a whole different level. The same thing happened with our son.

Here’s where my confusion lies. I have heard of parents who start the college search, with or without their student. They make the arrangements for the tours and they help them write their essays. I have to admit, I don’t agree with those tactics, and my question for those parents is, “If your child can’t initiate and follow through on the college search, how do you know they’ll be able to manage on their own once they’re at school without you?”

There has to come a time when the helicopter stops hovering.

I am in no way saying that we shouldn’t be involved in the planning. We need to be involved from that point, all the way through to college graduation, and even after that. It just seems to me that at some point, we need to allow our kids to test their wings. Sometimes that freedom can weigh those wings down…and eventually out…of school. But it’s that child’s fight to fight, just as it’s his or her life to live.

I understand that I am pontificating and how dare I do that when every child is different? All I can say is that school was never an easy road for either of my kids, and when I needed to be, I was as helicopter as you could get.

I’m just saying that when it’s time to start thinking in terms of college, maybe that’s the time to allow our kids’ independence to shine through while we watch over them with love, openness, and a willingness to swoop in and help, if needed.

Agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear your opinion.

Happy New Year!

With ♥,
Tobi

By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell

Lately, the first place I hear of a celebrity passing is Facebook. It’s not that I don’t keep up with the news. It’s just that so many of us hangout on Facebook that when one FB friend finds out, he or she posts it and the news takes off like wildfire. I have one really good friend who we’ve dubbed “Mr. Memoriam.” It’s kind of comical at this point, because somehow he’s always the first to post a celeb death. It also takes a bit of the edge off the sad news.

Facebook is especially good for wishing happy birthday to my family and friends. It buys me some extra days when I don’t get the greeting cards out on time.

I also get a kick out of wishing a happy birthday to the Facebook friends I’ve never met. I’m sure you have some of them, too. Gail is one of those friends for me.

Gail and I were introduced by a mutual friend because I needed to hire someone for a project and she seemed like a good candidate. Though we never met in person, she and I spoke a number of times, trying to figure out if we were a good fit for each other. It turned out that my needs and hers didn’t quite match up, so we called it a day, but remained friends on Facebook because we both always enjoyed our conversations. It’s fun keeping tabs on people. Not stalker-like fun. Just…you know…fun.

It was Gail’s birthday the other day, so of course I wanted to wish her a happy and a healthy. As I was writing to her, it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen any posts from her in a while. It crossed my mind that maybe she was under the weather. So I scrolled down on her page a bit to see what was up. My heart sank. Gail had passed away. I read farther down and saw that she had fallen on some tough financial times and consequently sunken into a depression. I contacted the mutual friend who’d brought us together, and she confirmed my worst fear. Gail had taken her own life.

I’m still feeling so sad about Gail’s death. What could I have done to help her? What could anyone have done?

Then I started to think about my friends who’ve passed away since they and I have connected or re-connected on Facebook. Some I had the honor of working with, some I had the pleasure of having lunch with. Others, I’ve never met. I have never un-friended any of them since their passing. It’s my nondescript but heartfelt memorial to each one of them.

…Gayle, who was a friend from my college days, who died tragically about five years ago.
…Peg, the amazing graphic designer I’d done work with when I started my freelance writing career.
…Marilyn, a revered author from California who used to write articles for me for Girlfriendz Magazine.
…Shaun, who inspired countless women—including me—while living here on the East Coast, and then after her move out west. Shortly after she got there, she was diagnosed with cancer. She passed less than a year later. Though no longer with us here on earth, Shaun continues to inspire many, including me.
And then there’s Gail.
Thank you to each and every one of you for inspiring me and enhancing my life. I hope I brought you one-half the happiness and joy that you’ve brought to me.

And now I have to go. The Facebook life cycle has circled around to a happy occasion. There’s someone very special to me whose birthday is today, and though I’ve already had the pleasure of wishing her a happy and a healthy verbally, it’s just not official until it’s appeared on Facebook.

With lots of ♥,
Tobi

By Kris Rotonda, Guest Blogger

While one-third of all married couples started their romance online, (according to the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences), only 23% of those who went on a date through a match-making site say it resulted in a long-term relationship, (according to the Pew Research Center).

That’s not a bad success rate. I imagine it beats the club scene. Still, that’s a lot of dating before you find the right one. I think it’s important to narrow the search by letting users start with what’s most important to them.

I have four beloved dogs, and my commitment to my furry family became a problem in my dating life. Thankfully I’ve now found true love, and she loves my dogs and they love her back.

What should you do if your dog doesn’t appear to like the new love interest in your life?

• Your dog reacted negatively to someone you really like: Of course, how your dog reacts matters if you love your dog, but he or she may be picking up on something that’s nonessential to the character of your date, who may be nervous, not used to dogs or simply wearing the wrong fragrance that day. While dogs are very intuitive—and you want your canine companion to get along with a potential long-term partner—realize that the chemistry can improve. Give it a little time and proactively look for ways to help your dog and your potential love interest relax and get to know each other.
• Different reactions can have different meanings: Did she bark for several minutes? Did he run and hide under the bed? If your dog barked in what sounded like a hostile or aggressive way, she’s likely just trying to protect you. While you may have had plenty of time to get to know your date over long dinners, this person may still be a stranger to your dog. If your dog ran and hid, he may be afraid. That doesn’t necessarily mean that his fear reflects a real threat (i.e., something rotten about your new love interest). Try to remember what else was going on at the time. Did a plane fly overhead? Was there a rumble of thunder? That’s what may have been the source of the anxiety. Don’t try to pet or sweet talk your pup while he’s hiding as that will encourage the behavior. Instead, reward him when he emerges.
• Mending fences between your canine and human companion: When you’re planning to re-introduce your dog to your date, start before they actually meet in person. Do it by introducing the person’s scent with an unwashed article of clothing. You can also add your scent to the clothing by rubbing it on your arm and placing it in a spot where your dog spends a great deal of time. This will help your dog get used to the person’s scent over time and you’re not introducing the person to your dog by invading all of his or her senses at once.

Kris Rotonda is the founder and CEO of www.YouMustLoveDogsDating.com, a website devoted to singles who’ve already found their canine companions, but have yet to find true human love. Rotonda had experienced a number of unexpected challenges as a bachelor and dog owner, and saw the need for a dating site geared toward like-minded dog lovers.

By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell

I came to Elsie at a time when I had some heavy duty medical issues. None of them were related, and there were a number of doctors involved. I had no clue where to turn, but there was one thing I did know. I wanted to pursue an alternative to traditional Western medicine.

Elsie Kerns started me on my journey to good health, and plays an important role in my development to this day.

Her passion is teaching self-empowering techniques through energy medicine, to manage stress and eliminate the dis-ease that accompanies it. Using a mix of non-invasive relaxation practices and her intuitive gifts, she was able to discern which of my chakras were in need of some TLC.

As an intuitive, she helped me realize that one step toward restoring my health was to manage a toxic being in my life who for the moment, had to remain in my life. Instead of getting sicker, I learned to handle the stress, which helped me to get well. What she taught me is something everyone needs to know—“healing comes from within and you are always your own healer.” When you lock into that bit of wisdom, the earth starts to move…and in your favor!

So I got an idea. How cool would it be to have a Girls’ Night Out where everyone could meet and experience Elsie? Not only would it be helpful to learn how to manage our stress, it would also be fun because Elsie’s an Intuitive, so she can answer your questions like:
• When and how will I finally be able to stand up to my nasty, overbearing boss (or co-worker)?
• When and how will I finally find romance?
• When and how will I finally start that new business?
• When and how will I finally lose weight?

Join me on December 1 for, “From Stressed to Blessed: What will 2015 hold for YOU?”

We’ll de-stress over a flavorful, authentic and healthful Italian dinner at Illiano Cucina in Medford, where I’ve held countless and very successful dinner events with Psychic Carole Tollen.

Intuitive Elsie Kerns

Elsie will bring audience members up for her entertaining and amazing energy testing and equally astounding intuitive readings. She’ll also invite additional participants up for mini readings. It’ll be a fun evening of self-discovery and inspiration, with good food, BYOB wine and lots of prizes.

Elsie will also share tips on how to handle the stress that might be standing in the way of obtaining all that you’re hoping for in the New Year.

Hope to see you there!

With lots of ♥,
Tobi

PS:
To register for “From Stressed to Blessed,” visit www.tinyurl.com/franksandbeansevents.
Check out Elsie at www.wellnesswithelsie.com.
Check out Illiano Cucina at www.illianocucina.com.

Carole Tollen, Molly Lou Conrad and Tobi Schwartz-Cassell having fun on the farm!

By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell

Master Psychic Medium Carole Tollen was at her finest at F & B’s first event—“Halloween on the Farm with Psychic Carole Tollen.” As a psychic, Carole gave some audience members guidance for their immediate future. As a medium, she helped other audience members get in touch with friends, loved ones and pets who’ve passed on. The evening also had its share of entertainment when Carole shifted into “Comedian Medium” gear, providing many laughs. Coming soon: The date for Franks & Beans’ next Psychic Dinner with Carole Tollen.

And just like at my past events, guests came with friends or felt comfortable enough to come alone, because the women who come to my events are friendly,

Thanks for coming Barbara, Allyson, Jerri, Amelia, May, Lori, Barry, Roni, Debbie, Colleen, Margie, Shaina, Patricia, Patrice, Cheryl, Nancy, Susan, Mary Anne, Rosanna, Liz & Kathy.

welcoming and yes, even nurturing! So always feel safe coming solo. Or always consider asking your friends to join us!

Thanks for coming Eva, Phyllis, Shelley, Janet, Traci, Reva, Carole, Caroline, Deena, Sandy & Susan!

Adding to the evening’s fall/Halloween theme was the buffet dinner prepared by Chef Sofia of Kuzina by Sofia of Cherry Hill. Pumpkin mashed potatoes? So delicious! As was everything from the butlered hors d’oeuvres to the roasted pork with fall compote and baked-to-perfection salmon with broccoli and cauliflower medley, to the delicious pumpkin pancake dessert. And the service by Brenda and her team was impeccable.

Lots of Swag in lots of Bags. Thanks to my helpers: Molly, Martin, Stan, Len & Susan!

4 of our vendors at "H'ween on the Farm" Wed night: Judy, Wendy, Jackie, Susan, JoAnne & Nicole @marketing55plus pic.twitter.com/pkhybYakKr

— Tobi SchwartzCassell (@TobiSchwartzCas) October 26, 2014

Many thanks to our vendors, who along with many others, provided the best swag a swag bag could hold:
• Wendy Hutchinson of Tastefully Simple
• Nicole Coleman of NPC Style Jewelry
• Judy Church of Simons Berry Farm
• JoAnne Caramelo of Arbonne
• Jackie Karle of doTERRA Essential Oils

Jardin was keeping those prizes coming smoothly and efficiently. Thanks for coming, Ally!

A final shout-out to the Franks & Beans Team: Administrative A-Sister Molly Lou Conrad and her assistant, Jardin Cassell.

Next Up:
• Nov 13: “Countdown to Thanksgiving” Cooking Contest & Taste-Testing (YUM!)
• Dec 1: “From Stressed to Blessed: De-Stress over Dinner with Intuitive Elsie Kerns”
• Jan 24: South Jersey Wine Tour

For descriptions of these events, please visit the Franks & Beans’ Events Page.

Hope to see you at a future event so we can have fun together!

With lots of ♥,
Tobi

By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell

The time to check on your health is when you’re feeling good. Because it’s those hidden invaders that’ll get you every time.

You may have read about my recent health challenge on the Franks & Beans Facebook page. But for those of you who haven’t, I’ll retell the story here. For those of you who have, feel free to skip directly to where it says “Bottom Line.”

I have what you call “congenital dysplastic nevi.” That’s the medical term for “a whole lot of very strange-looking moles.” Many of mine are on my trunk. We non-medical types call that “everything but our head and limbs.” The doctors call it our trunk.

The back part of my trunk (aka, my back) has a particular preponderance of very strange-looking moles. One of them was removed 29 years ago. The biopsy came back saying that it was caught just in time.

Going back to my teen years, I’d spend my summers cooking, and what I was cooking was me. I hated my fair skin. It never allowed me to tan. Red was a color, so I went with it. I’d put on my bathing suit, go out in the backyard, sometimes put on a little Coppertone because I loved the smell, and cook my front. Then I’d flip over and cook my back. I’d be in pain for days but I didn’t care because I finally had color.

My mom would beg me to stop doing it. “Tobi,” she’d say, “I don’t know what can happen, but I just have a feeling that what you are doing is wrong.” But who listened to our mothers when we were 14, 15, 16, 25, 48, 56….?

In June of this year, after hearing lots of commercials in which the American Cancer Society recommended dermatological check-ups, I relented and made my (two years overdue) appointment with Dr. Joseph Kist. “Dr. Sun-kist,” I laughed to myself, because of all the sun I soaked up as a teen. But dermatology is really no laughing matter.

Dr. Kist saw something on my back that he didn’t like, so he biopsied it. Before it had a chance to heal his nurse called to tell me to come back in for what ended up being a much more invasive biopsy. And before that had a chance to heal, Dr. Kist himself was on the phone. It was melanoma.

Cancer? Me? Cancer is what somebody else gets. And that is very true. Until “somebody else” is you.

That melanoma was right next to the scar from the previous surgery 29 years ago. And it was just about to go into the next layer of skin, but once again, timing was on my side. Fifty stitches later, and thanks to MOHS surgery, my doctors and I know that it is completely gone.

My visits to Dr. Sun-Kist will be much closer than one year apart, and I’m okay with that. Because that man saved my life.

Bottom line: be sure to find your own Dr. Sun-Kist (or you can call mine), and get a dermatologist to check you out annually.

And now on to my mammogram, which is two years overdue…

With lots of ♥,

Tobi
Owner, Franks & Beans Communications
Tobi@FranksandBeans.net

By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell

Blogging is as puzzling to me as Twitter. And even more puzzling than hashtags.

I’m puzzled by it because I don’t understand who’d want to read my blog. Who cares what I have to say?

Then someone reminded me that what I wrote in my From the Editor column in every Girlfriendz Magazine issue for seven years is pretty much a blog. Even more to the point, the focus groups I ran showed that just about everyone who read Girlfriendz read From the Editor (and of course, Patricia Quigley’s column, too—Among Friendz. Hers was at the back of the magazine, mine at the front). What I wrote about was my life—sometimes funny, sometimes serious, sometimes amazing and sometimes overwhelming. But in one way or another, it was and is sometimes like yours. And maybe that’s why Girlfriendz readers read it.

So now it’s time to move along from Girlfriendz and into the next phase of my life. I’ll continue from where I left off after I left the magazine. Remember the TV show After M*A*S*H? Well consider this blog to be After Girlfriendz, even though I might sometimes borrow from those old From the Editors, because they may relate to my life (or yours) at any given time.

Most importantly, I want to hear from you. Can you relate to what I’m going through as I move on to my next chapter? Am I writing about your life or am I completely off base? Tell me if there’s something you want me to write about. Tell me about your experiences. Ask me questions. Because what I DON’T want my blog to be is a one-way conversation.

I’m moving right along, and what I am hoping is that you’ll come right along with me.

With lots of ♥,
Tobi
Owner, Franks & Beans Communications
Tobi@FranksandBeans.net